Revisiting

On my second pot of loose leaf damiana tea and feeling smooth. Billie Holiday sings me to a soft semi consiousness. It's been a while since I've come home to my diary, this high tech version of an old passtime that so many have enjoyed throughout thier lives. I can't say much has changed since I last came here. I have said goodbye to some and hello to others. I've made some healthy changes and have learned a little from the wiser. Still I crave adventure, desire and passion. I feel deeper and sharper than anyone I've ever known. At times drowning in empathy, I clutch whatever is available so that I may find my balance, just to have my hand bitten.
Ahh it's nice to be here again. I've missed you. I'm feeling lighter already.
I'll leave now with this smile across my lips and come much sooner next time.......

Dreams

I was there to see others but when you walked by I was liquid. I was locked on your movements, everything about you spoke to the deepest parts of me. It was as if I had just been born, I felt new and moist. I wanted your warmth. When I finally stumbled over my words and engaged you I found myself bathing in your voice and fought every urge to feel your long slender fingers against my cheek. My breath was quick and shallow, I thought I would loose my ground. The magic that swirrled about us that night was thick and sweet. If only I hadn't woken up.

Truthfully.....

One of my favorite lyrics is "If you don't like the peach, then walk on by the tree". Why is it that some of our dates turn into one month wonders and others turn into the famous "Uhaul"? I think I'm the same with everyone I meet. I know I expect the same from those I encounter, so why do some want us eternally while others see us as a good time only? I think it's a few things. First off I think the very insecure need to meet some kind of quota to feel thier own importance. I also believe that the new internet singles seem to conjure up some grand vision of the one they are interested in and find themselves dissapointed when they realise that the one they have courted is just as human as they are.
So many of my friends are "on the market" and date a lot of strangers they meet on line. I am constantly reminding those I am close to about discretion while travelling the well travelled highway directly connected to the computer in thier private rooms. I want them to be well advised and careful. I want them to find what they are looking for, most times they don't. Why is this? Have our expectations gone haywire now that the world is at our fingertips? Do we think that all our hopes and dreams will be answered by some amazing stranger we come accross?? I mean the only difference between now and thirty years ago is this computer and what it allows us to do.
The very lonely need not brood on thier own anymore. They may exhibit themselves as they see thier profiles. They can be anything they want. The opposite is true in many ways. Those who have found thenselves the centre of attention may not have the capacity to sell themselves on this new medium. One thing is clear, We have become far more superficial than I ever thought possible. All anyone is concerned about is pictures. They want them to see if you are worthy of thier attention, to see if you are someone they might be inclind to take to bed and also to see if you are someone they can show off to all those they have weaved thier superficial world for. I for one have decided long ago to see people as they are inside. I can appreciate esthetic beauty but will never make it something that is imparitive to my decisions on who I want to court. I have seen that what is inside is truly what counts. Once in a while we encounter those that are beautiful in everyway, and I must say that those of us who aren't looking for the external tend to find it more regularely.
We don't delete when an image pops up that is not what we had in mind, we get to know more about the person. I have been with some of the most beautiful people anyone has ever seen and the reason for this is because we fell for eachother's heart and mind, not for the hair, lips and waist line so many are searching for.
All I'm trying to show here is, maybe you are lonely because you look for the wrong things. Maybe happiness has been there the whole time but your insecurities have disabled you from finding it. Remember that beauty is only skin deep and ugly goes right to the bone.

Wake Up!

One lesson we tend to learn throughout our life is that people grow into wiser, more responsable versions of who they used to be. Sadly once in a while someone we care about can show us that regression can also occur. I have written about one such friend already but there is a far better example of such a person that I intend to share with you now.
During the time I spent with her she was always childlike but at the time I found it endearing. She lived at home with her parents and was taken care of like a child by both her mother and father. Through the years I learned a great deal about her. She had a past, but we all have, to some degree during our teenage years and to judge would be hypocritical. I over looked her short comings and believed that she hadn't been given the opportunity to mature. Soon we were living together and I learned quickly that she was irresponsible and unwilling to give herself fully to an adult relationship. As the bills piled up and the refrigerator emptied she would just go home to her mommy and have everything she needed. If her brakes failed on her car or her tires needed to be renewed daddy would step in and pay for it. I found a job that paid more so that I could pick up the slack around the house and soon found myself resenting her. Three years later I had had enough. She still hadn't grown, she was still a pouting child throwing wild temper tantrums when she didn't get her way and she still couldn't stand on her own two feet. I finally left her. To no ones suprise she went straight home to you know who. She was upset that while she was gone they had given the privacy of the basement to one of thier other children and she was left with a bedroom in the main part of the house where it would be difficult for her to hide her vices. In the five years since I've been gone she has reverted back to old behaviours. I don't know who to blame here. Just yesterday I heard that she has been thrown in jail for assaulting her father and attempting to steal his car. Her mother tearfully spent the evening calling all the people she knew to see if someone would bail her out and allow her daughter to stay with them rather then seeing the situation as a wake up call that the child she continues to "raise" needs help of another kind. I know she reads my blog. I know she will be angry. It's time girl, you need to stop this and grow up. You are 31 years old and are behaving like a fifteen year old. You should be ashamed of yourself for hurting the people that have cared the most for you. You know you have lost me and I will never come back to you but don't throw away the love of everyone else you may have left. The clock is ticking and you can never go back.

A Small Outburst

You know it all. You've done everything, been everywhere and are an expert on just about all there is. Wow! It's a shame that there is little room left in your life for learning. I know we all feel we have a lot of life experience and we do but to hear "Well I know this because I've been everywhere" ALL the time can get old fast. Trust me if there was a cap on knowledge no one alive today would achieve it. Life is a school that never lets out so don't deny new ways of doing things. I love to learn from those who have done and seen more than I have and yet as soon as they sound like they are portraying themselves as some kind of know it all I loose intrest faster than the speed of light. The wisest people I know are those who listen more than talk, they absorb more than spew.

Hunt

I have to create something to look forward to. The three keys to happiness are 1) Someone to love 2) Something to do 3) Something to look forward to. I love many people and have plenty to do so I suppose I just need the last on the list. The hunt for this can be in itself amusing. Well there is no use trying to concentrate this morning. Between the construction crew outside my bedroom window and the girl upstairs I am left with no peace. So till tonight......

Thursday Thoughts

It seems I've ruffled a few feathers with some of my entries. Please don't jump to conclusions and presume you know the identidy of the subjects I write about. It amazes me how so many people think they are the characters in these stories.



As far as me being a lesbian goes, it doesn't define me as a whole. I am far more than my sexuality. I am free to express any part of who I am in this medium. I am also a mother, friend, voter and member of society as is milions of other gays and lesbians in this wonderful free country of ours.



So read if you will, I welcome you, but save your assumptions and judgments for church on sunday, I won't be there to stop you. (I'll be busy writing erotic tales of homosexuality and other naughty stories that are sure to send me to hell)

Morning Inspiration

My restless sleep was riddled with nightmares. In them I had no control, I was helpless to stop the terror around me. I awoke to dark skies and thick moist air. No time for me to dwell today, I am in demand and need to be witty and charming. I have seen tough times lately and must find away to line my pockets with the employment I have or add a third job to my roster. I'm tired and worn. I was told yesterday that I had a blinking aura and I was at the cusp of some great things. As much as I don't believe such things I'm clinging to the hope that this may be right. I'm trying to be both parents, both partners and both bread winners and it's wearing me thin. I have always been these things mind you but lately with the demands of kids, pets, home and all the others who depend on me for support of every kind I might be over my head. Sometimes we just need a break, a miracle of sorts. I'm proactive in this fight for happiness and stability and I could use the stars to allign in my favor for a while. Well I'm off to find the right clothes to inspire. Wish me luck today, i need it.

Stumped

When I met him he was fun, charming and brilliant. I looked forward to the weekends when I would join him and his lover for elaborate dinner parties where the sangria pitcher was bottomless and the music never stopped. He was ingratiating and warm. He doted on me and made me feel like the guest of honor at every turn. His eclectic style was chic in his urban pad. I found him worldly and facinating. Unfortunately nothing remains the same for long.

I have stood by and watched my friend spiral downward into alcoholism. I have seen his eyes red rimmed for years now and I'm afraid that they will never shine bright again. There was a time in my life when I too stuggled with the bottle but thank goodness responsability and reason changed my life for the better. My dear friend has lost his home, his credit is ruined and he seems to have lost his self respect. Living in his parents basement isn't where he saw himself being at this stage of his life. So now I wonder, what does a friend do? Do I tell him what he already knows and hears everyday? Do I stand by and listen to the same stories another hundred times, or do I stand up, look him in the eyes and tell him that no one cares anymore. His lover is about to leave him, his family has had enough and I just can't smile and bear it any longer. I can't abandon him but I also can't sit back and watch him kill himself and destroy all that was once good in his life. He is stubborn and self righteous and he will see any attempt at intervention as a personal attack. I truely don't know what to do. I care for my friend but I can't let his demons take me down too.

My Invitation

I took a double dose of EFA's today, trying to tear down the cobwebs and sharpen my tools. I want to write all day. I want my visions to seep through to my finger tips and become one with my computer screen. The coffee is brewed and the music chosen. All I need now is a little inspiration. That elusive muse has not shown herself to me.

We all have our own way of arousing that creative part of us. Sometimes a powerful film or a stimulating piece of music can help ignite the fire. Emotion is what fuels this part of our brain. I suppose that's why so many gifted writers become alcoholics and drug users. I try to use this blog as my drug of choice. When I feel too much and need to escape I simply pour out my heart on this page and hope that I have laid to rest my demons for another day.

I not only welcome the thoughts of any readers who venture here but find that your input and interest helps me to settle into that place, that headspace I need to be in. So come one come all and share your thoughts, experiences and feelings with me. I am a sponge ready to soak up your emotions like the messy spills they are.

Atlantic Appreciation

Well I just deleted a paragraph before I hit publish, after I re-read my entry I realised how negative it sounded. Since moving to moncton I've had pretty good luck with the people I've encountered. I mean there was that girl I hung out with for a while who turned out to be the daughter of satan and the other bi-polar wonder I met who really should be in an institution and of course the high strung boy lover who is so full of himself that it makes me want to puke. Other than these three I really have enjoyed the company of everyone else. I have a great group of friends and have a lot of laughs on a daily basis. Moncton remeinds me of the Brampton of my childhood. It's a small city with a lot of suburbs and the far outer rim is dotted with rural homes with rolling hills.
My neighborhood on the otherhand is very different from the one I grew up in. Back home in the GTA subdivisions are pre-planned and the homes are either very similar or identical to the ones next door while here on the east coast you could have a sprawling mansion next door to a crack house. Believe it or not I find Moncton a far better place to live. I like that we all need to learn to live together and there is no seperation between tax brackets.
Life is very colourful here and the people are friendly. I do miss the multi-culturalism of Toronto. I mean there is only one place to get sushi and the only "Greek" restaurant is a very Canadianized version of what greek food should be. Thank goodness I'm a good cook. All in all I love my new home and am very enthusiastic about bringing some culture and western ways of thinking to this little slice of heaven.

Toxic

Every few years we meet someone truly contemptible. A person so full of poison that they can't help but destroy those around them. It can be difficult to deal with such an individual on a daily basis. I have been doing my best to be pleasant and nonconfrontational but I've been pushed to my limit. I won't allow myself to be subjected to childish games and sabotage. We choose what we are exposed to and I have chosen not to be receptive to this venom any longer. There will be changes this week and I will rise above this nonsense and become better for it. You get what you give and Mr. you are in for some toxic truth of your own making.

Getting My Groove Back

I feel like I've been hungry for too long. I've passed the point where it hurts and became apathetic. Now the cravings have returned and my body is realizing what it's been missing. I'm speaking in metaphores of course, the kind of nourishment I'm lacking you can't buy at the grocery store. I feel like I've been married for twenty years and am going through some kind of mid-life crisis. I want to feel again. As great as my memories are, I'm far too young to rely on them to sustain me for the duration of my life. I have the greatest gift of imagination but even that gets tired. One way or another I'm going to find that part of me again. I'm going to find what I need and I'm going to satisfy this longing. Luckily we never forget the method and we only improve with time.

Confessions

The most intimate part of a kiss is just before the lips meet, when you feel the breath and heat but not the pressure. Sometimes I loose myself in magnificent reveries. I remember how it was to feel the earth move beneath my feet. To be drunk on lust. Such a powerful drug it is, we will follow it to the end of the earth, chance it all, even hurt ones we love just for that high. I remember a girl, she was my best friend for a time. For the sake of her right to privacy I'll call her "Mia". Mia and I were wild. We knew how to have a good time and made it our mission to do so as much as possible. We met at a bar one night in the ladies bathroom. Later that same night we found ourselves at the same party and hit it right off. Now keep in mind that at this point in my life I was pretty damn sure I was straight, Possibly Bi but I never would have admitted it.

During the evening Mia sat on my lap on a chaise lounge and stretched out on top of me. I remember the bolt of electricity that went though me at that moment and the confusion it left me in afterward. I recall the feeling of her long hair laying across my chest and the way it tickled and sent shivers through my whole body. I knew what I was feeling was new, I knew I had never felt it before. I found my self stroking her hair and talking softly to her, as close to her ear as I would allow myself to go without putting my lips on her neck. To my amazement she responded to every touch, every breath and every word just the way I wanted her to. The party was in full swing all around us but she was all I could see. When she finally rose to leave I felt cold and perplexed. That night I found the best looking guy I could and spent two days in bed with him proving to myself how straight I really was.

The next couple of months were like learning who I was all over again. I reconsiled a relationship with a past lover (a man)who I had spent years with and continued to spend a lot of time with Mia. One night we decided to go to a exotic dance bar where women danced and girated for five dollar bills and men drank themselves stupid and paid to have their desires met. We sat down at the only table left in the bar and I asked her why she wanted to come here, her response was not what I was looking for. She said "wouldn't you rather be in a bar full of men and only a handfull of other women rather than one full of competition"? I agreed but sectretly I was dissapointed that she hadn't at least said "Because I was curious". So there we sat and drank free beer all night while man after man tried to sit with us. To my surprise the more she drank the more she seemed less interested in the men and far more interested in me. The shooter girl came over and told us that a table of men had bought us the whole tray and we invited her to sit with us and drink them all. This seductive girl taught us the art of the "hooter shooter" and I must say if we weren't a hit before we certainly were now. I don't think the patrons of that establishment cared what was on the stage anymore, all eyes were on us. Mia seemed to feed off this attention and it seemed to press her on to more dangerous ground. Before I knew it she was on my lap giving me a taste of rasberry liquer, first from the test tube between her breasts and next from her lips. The world was spinning from more than just the alcohol that night. From that night forward we would often end up in eachothers arms or at least connected at the mouth during lengthy workouts on some dancefloor. It took a while for me to admit it to myself but I had one hell of a crush on my best friend. Unfortunately deception and betrayal ended our friendship early on, I never had the chance to explore my feelings further. I was left wounded, confused and very self consious.

I wonder where she is today? I've looked her up in the usual places but have never found her again. I wonder if she knows that her playful ways awoke a whole other woman in me. I wonder if she knows that thinking of her now still sends a thrill through me and allows me to remember a more innocent time when a kiss could make me quiver.

Changes

A great opporunity has been put in front of me. The question is wether I am up to it. Do I want to go back to the black suits and upsweapt hair? Worrying wether I've dyed my hair a little too funky or if my earings hang a little to low? I have really enjoyed the last two years. I grew my hair down past my waist, I've exposed tatoos that once were taboo. Here I am choosing a basic black buisness attire and toning down the eyeliner just like back in the day. I really did hate it. I suppose if the price is right I'll sell out. I hope it doesn't kill the free spirit I've become. Titles are all well and good but if you dread waking up to another day of hell at the office then why do it? Again dollar signs are the devil here. Well wish me luck. I hope I make the right decision.

Bedtime Thoughts

I can feel the musical vibrations through my key board to my fingertips. Sitting here listening to Buddah bar, Pure Moods Chill Out Lounge. It's after midnight and all the kiddies are tucked away in thier beds. Tonight I enjoy my solitude. The flame from my candles casts moving shadows on my walls. I loosen up and start to unwind. I feel like I'm melting into my ambiance. My kingsize overstuffed bed piled with layers of goosedown duvets and heaps of pillows looks like heaven to me. The night is just cool enough for comfort and just warm enough to wear as little as possible. It's going to be all sweet dreams tonight.

Clarification

I have had some upset over my last entry. I did not mean to say that those around me are stupid. What I'm trying to articulate is my need for a companion with similar intrests. Someone who can share my intrigues and passions. Sometimes I fear I'm a little too deep. I suppose what I'm trying to say is I want to meet another human who thinks with the same side of the brain as myself. Even my daughter doesn't "get" me. Jenessa is a math genious and gets better grades then I could ever have dreamed of but she can't stand my choice in art films, music or even my writing. So I apologize if I have offended anyone, this was not my intent, but once again I do enjoy the controversy.

Too Deep

Am I understood? Do I raise more than a smile with my words? Am I drowning in my own eloquence? I feel I may be alienating myself from peers. I want to know others like me. I want to be able to share ideas with another. I know I have this wonderful outlet but it's so solitary. I do this alone. I've said it before but I feel I need to have an intelectual connection. I keep pouring my soul into this abyss. Where does it all go? I have physical beings all around me but I need depth. I'm continually left wanting. I'm singular in this company. Well here's another dismal entry. Perhaps if I complain long enough my compeer will turn up.

Love Box

Do you find music moves you? Do you feel it all over? Or just use one sense when experiencing it? I find that different music affects me in different ways. When I'm alone and relaxing I tend to sway towards an ambient sound, Groove Armada being my favorite of these. It's like soft feathers all around me, tickling me with a warm breeze. Or sometimes I like a folky-jazz like Nora Jones, Her earthy sound makes me feel like I'm down south with iced tea and cypress trees, rocking on a porch in a greek revival style home with white pillars and sheers billowing in the hot gentle wind. I have a strong affinity for Blues as well, I think a Rolling Stone Journalist said it best when he wrote "Rock is like sex while Blues is like fucking". He must have had Jimmy Hendrix playing on his ipod when he wrote those words because when Jimmy plays you can feel him everywhere.

This summer London is hosting it's seventh annual music festival "Love Box"that lasts two days. I would sell my soul (if I had one) to go to that. I would be in some kind of sustained rapture. I think I'd be overflowing with inspiration. Ah to be 18 with no responsabilities again.....Well the best I can hope for is watching snippits on line and trying to feel the energy through the super highway. I think I'll pick this topic up again another time, I could write about music forever because the varieties are endless.

Calm After The Storm

The sun rose again today as promised. My midnight rant just a distant memory now. With the sun comes hope. The ambient melody playing in the background helps to set my mood. Forging forward with a positive outlook, I flex my emotional muscles and strengthen them so that I may rise above my previous melancholy. Save my tears for a more deserving funk.

The smoke from my ciggarette seems to dance with the music, swaying back and forth and twirling upwards towards the sunbeams. It's nice to have this peace. The children are out, the dogs asleep and the neighborhood is quiet. It's a good time to devise an action plan to re-route my life and bring me back some security. Change can be fearsome but motivating as well.

Rambling Incohertently.....

I'm indignant. I need to escape but i have made a pledge to myself, I will not self medicate, I will stand up and deal with life as it happens. I just need to get through this night. Tomorrow is a new day. My mind reels and my skin itches. The banging in my head is deafening. I'd scream if I had a voice. Reason keeps tugging at my brain and makes me dizzy. Someone needs to take the riens and guide me. Left to my own devices, I could end up anywhere. My emotions run so deep and intense that I tremble. Here I am in my private oasis, I should feel blissful and yet I'm full of frustration. Where's that light at the end of this very long tunnel? At times like this I feel I could go mad. Does everyone struggle like this? Am I being soft? Playing the victim? I'd hate to think I was. I wouldn't feel any better if I had a choir behind me singing my blues. I'm apprehensive. I fear losing all the ground I've gained. I guess sometimes I just get tired of being strong.

Block Head

Sometimes it's hard to write. When all the mundane issues of life stand in the way of my thought process. It can be difficult to find my peaceful place when the dogs are barking and the kids are stomping. This morning I awoke to a mess in the kitchen, two teenagers alsleep on my couch in the livingroom and a stack of bills that had just arrived in the mail. My hours have been cut down drasticly at work due to lack of business and I have many renovations still ahead to pay for. This is one of those times I wish I had someone here to help. I am proud that I have accomplished what I have basicly on my own but every once in a while I do get overwhelmed and feel I could use a helping hand. I suppose I will get through this as I always do. Well I suppose I'll dig out some advil and get to work straightening up this dwelling before I have to go paint on my smile and sell my sanity for a living...

Does Anyone Share My Beliefs?

I thought I would share my struggle to find like-minded individuals in this entry. If you are close enough to me to share debates on faith and religion then you know my views to some extent. I am a proud Secular Humanist. I share the views of the great Socrates and so many other renowned thinkers of our world, both past and present. Humanism has been around as long as any other "religion". Being a Secular Humanist means living with a realistic view and rejecting all supernaturalism. We rely primarily upon reason and science and believe in the goodness of mankind. Humanists understand that there is both good and evil in the world, we also understand that it is in our power to choose what road to take. Morals are basicly a point of view.
Humanism is one of those philosophies for people who think for themselves. There is no area of thought that a Humanist is afraid to challenge and explore.
Humanism is a philosophy focused upon human means for comprehending reality. Humanists make no claims to possess or have access to supposed transcendent knowledge.
Humanism is a philosophy of reason and science in the pursuit of knowledge. Therefore, when it comes to the question of the most valid means for acquiring knowledge of the world, Humanists reject arbitrary faith, authority, revelation, and altered states of consciousness.
Humanism is a philosophy of imagination. Humanists recognize that intuitive feelings, hunches, speculation, flashes of inspiration, emotion, altered states of consciousness, and even religious experience, while not valid means to acquire knowledge, remain useful sources of ideas that can lead us to new ways of looking at the world. These ideas, after they have been assessed rationally for their usefulness, can then be put to work, often as alternate approaches for solving problems.
Humanism is a philosophy for the here and now. Humanists regard human values as making sense only in the context of human life rather than in the promise of a supposed life after death.
Humanism is a philosophy of compassion. Humanist ethics is solely concerned with meeting human needs and answering human problems--for both the individual and society--and devotes no attention to the satisfaction of the desires of supposed theological entities.
Humanism is a realistic philosophy. Humanists recognize the existence of moral dilemmas and the need for careful consideration of immediate and future consequences in moral decision making.
Humanism is in tune with the science of today. Humanists therefore recognize that we live in a natural universe of great size and age, that we evolved on this planet over a long period of time, that there is no compelling evidence for a separable "soul," and that human beings have certain built-in needs that effectively form the basis for any human-oriented value system.
Humanism is in tune with today's enlightened social thought. Humanists are committed to civil liberties, human rights, church-state separation, the extension of participatory democracy not only in government but in the workplace and education, an expansion of global consciousness and exchange of products and ideas internationally, and an open-ended approach to solving social problems, an approach that allows for the testing of new alternatives.
Humanism is in tune with new technological developments. Humanists are willing to take part in emerging scientific and technological discoveries in order to exercise their moral influence on these revolutions as they come about, especially in the interest of protecting the environment.
Humanism is, in sum, a philosophy for those in love with life. Humanists take responsibility for their own lives and relish the adventure of being part of new discoveries, seeking new knowledge, exploring new options. Instead of finding solace in prefabricated answers to the great questions of life, Humanists enjoy the open-endedness of a quest and the freedom of discovery that this entails.
Now, are there ANY Humanists here? Am I alone in my thinking? If you exist out here in Atlantic Canada then, come out, come out where ever you are...

Twilight Mumbojumbo

I've become nocturnal. I find myself coming alive as the rest of the city sleeps. I've planned tomorrow's menu, chosen my clothes, finished reading a novel and accomplished my list of research materials. Funny, I can do all that but I can't just close my eyes and drift. I'd love to go for sushi.

Down

Too sick to sleep. If I were a country singer I'd have some great material, too bad I dislike it so much. My lids are heavy and my throat is raw. This sweet medicine leaves me feeling loose and mellow. My tongue is thick and my vision blurred. I shiver with the icy virus in my blood. I'm weary and woozy, I want a mother. Someone to tuck me in and spoon feed me chicken soup while telling me a fairy tale in a soft breathy voice. I'm a child tonight. Cold and alone.

Torn

I'm torn. It's a kind of limbo I'm in. So I focus on what makes me happiest and wait till the smoke clears. Wellness will be my channel. I will fix what's broken on the outside and hope that the inside catches up. For a realist and humanist like myself, it's rare to hear me refer to anything as "religous" or even "spiritual" but I feel that I have surrounded myself with positive karma for a long time and that good energy must radiate from this. I have "faith" that things will turn out as they should and life will go on. Just keep climbing and even if I don't reach the top I'll still be higher than I've ever been.

My Sweet Friend, My Soulmate......

Sometimes there is no right or wrong. There are situations that dwell completely in the grey area. This is one of those. Wouldn't it be great if the world was just one long movie with a rosy ending? Unfortunately we are continuously faced with obsticles and difficult decisions. I tiptoe around the glaring truth. I hope that time will mend all the damage. Either way happiness may be out of reach. I'm stumped. So I wait and wait till some sign tells me which way to turn. I feel sorry, for us all. One thing is certain, we will always be tied together, you will always be my soulmate.

My Blog

I wonder if this blog makes me some kind of an emotional exhibitionist? Well if so then that's what I am. It's truely therepudic and an amazing outlet for my creativity. It seems I've hit close to home with a few readers, both in a positive and a negative manner. Controversy breeds change and enlightens, so I'll keep doing what I do and may blood pressure rise and hearts quicken. I find I am not desperately trying to make people like me for the first time. I write it like I see it. I'm happiest sitting here typing away, with the soft light and my strong coffee. There is nothing more satisfying than sharing ones deepest thoughts and having them enjoyed by many.

Alone In A Crowd

How can I feel so lonely when I'm never alone? I have adoring friends, a devoted partner and a doting daughter yet I feel such an emptiness. I can't imagine this being all there is. It's true feuds have driven my family to different corners of the country, never to speak again. It's also true that through the years I have lost touch with those that I considered my dearest. I can count few who have pieces of my heart now. I have no place to put my passions. Those nearest to me do not share my interests. I feel misplaced. Is there anyone comparable to me? Will I ever stumble on the perfect match to inspire me? There's no more a solitary setiment than being surrounded by many and being totally removed. I suppose I will hang on to the hope that one day I will be understood, appreciated and united with those around me.

Bitter Sweet Dreams

I dreamt of you last night. No matter how many years pass or how many relationships are in between, I'm brought right back to you. I have no control over my slumbering reveries. If I could choose not to I would. So now I start my day with an ancient broken heart. What would Freud say. Would he say I haven't competely let go? I can go months without you entering my mind. I've had all the closure one could ask for. I don't think I love you anymore and yet here I am reminissing about our years together. Maybe it's because you were my first, or maybe because it ended the way it did. I wonder if I ever enter your dreams the way you invade mine. So today I fight to let go of this potent affection. I guess I just miss you. My best friend, my childhood sweetheart. Till we meet again in the night, sweet dreams..

Random Thoughts

Sitting here listening to Norah Jones, Sipping on home made herbal iced tea. Life is sweet. There is something to be said for surrounding yourself in beauty, heaping it on every sense. The faint scent of clean linen, the fur and feathered covered stools and ottomans, Ah yes I do love my luxuries. Who needs to be rich and famous when you can make your own space as sumptuous as any celebrity. I suppose my passions have become interior design, gourmet cooking, writing and being the hostess with the mostest. I'd love to have my own little cafe full of good books and great food. Maybe one day.

Another Pulpit Speech (I can't help myself)

April is almost over and spring is here. The buds are making their first appearance on the trees and the flowers in the garden are breaking through the ground to meet the sun. The smell of barbque fills the air of my little neighborhood. It's time to take down all the curtains for their spring cleaning.

Not everyone sees the beauty in the changing seasons. Some have so much worry about the things that most of us take for granted. This year when we are all shaping up our dwellings and making Martha Stewart proud with our skills, try to keep the less fortunate in mind. Perhaps we can down size and donate some of our luxuries. The Salvation Army is always open to donations and volunteers. In whatever way works best for you, try to give a little back this season. Just because Christmas is a long way away it doesn't mean all those needy people are any better off than they were. Giving is essential all year.

Keep in mind that anything can happen. Just because we are all comfortable today doesn't mean we won't be 80 and eating cat food in the future. Always put yourself in the shoes of others. (ok enough preaching for today) :)

Growing Up Part Two

The very first entry on this blog site was a question to myself. I wanted to figure out when one could call themselves "grown up". I believe I may have found my answer. Innocence comes with many things one of which is self-absorbtion. I remember when I was a child and contemplating life and the world around me, I would wonder if life stopped when I was asleep. It's like the whole "if a tree falls in the forest" business. If you are a parent then you see it everyday. Children are the epitamy of egocentric. It seems when you reach a certain stage of maturity you start to see yourself as a part of a whole, not the centre of it. We find ourselves being far more selfless and doing what's right for all, not just for ourselves. We take responsibility for our actions and stop blaming mistakes on our youth. We worry about the far reaching consiquences and not just how today is effected. I suppose I've been grown up for about eleven months. Better late then never........

Sappho

I wish our forefathers weren't such puritanicles.

The amount of art and literature lost to the burnings and prohibitions of the past is staggering. One of the most powerful poets in history is the beautiful Sappho (as Socrates called her). Sappho lived on an island with her female puples. These young girls were taught poetry, art and the ways of love so that when they "graduated" they would be ready to be married off. The few pieces of writing left by this ledgend are steamy and heart breaking.

THE MOON
by: Sappho
Stars about the lovely moon
Fade back and vanish very soon,
When, round and full, her silver face
Swims into sight, and lights all space.

Sappho repeatedly had her poor heart broken by these young beauties whom she instructed. You can well imagine how easy it would be to fall in love when coaching a breathtaking beauty in the art of passion. Yes Sappho had quite the tutoring skills. When a girl left her training she left a woman, ready to yield the the desires of her soon to be husband (even if he was decades older). Imagine pouring your heart and soul into some sweet thing just to hand her over to some old man to use as a maid, prostitue and incubator. Sappho's work has been called lewd and not fit for study by those that were in power for the last few millenium. I would like her to have what little work she has left to be shared and enjoyed by all. Sappho has inspired many poets through out the ages and has allowed women who love women to feel understood. Ironicly the small Island Sappho spent her days on was called "Lesbos" I suppose that is the greek word that "lesbian" was derived from. I'm including some of her works in this entry, I hope you all enjoy it as much as I have.

SONG OF THE ROSE
by: Sappho
Zeus chose us a King of the flowers in his mirth,
He would call to the rose, and would royally crown it;
For the rose, ho, the rose! is the grace of the earth,
Is the light of the plants that are growing upon it!
For the rose, ho, the rose! is the eye of the flowers,
Is the blush of the meadows that feel themselves fair,
Is the lightning of beauty that strikes through the bowers
On pale lovers that sit in the glow unaware.
Ho, the rose breathes of love! ho, the rose lifts the cup
To the red lips of Cypris invoked for a guest!
Ho, the rose having curled its sweet leaves for the world
Takes delight in the motion its petals keep up,
As they laugh to the wind as it laughs from the west.

TO ONE WHO LOVED NOT POETRY
by: Sappho
THOU liest dead, and there will be no memory left behind
Of thee or thine in all the earth, for never didst thou bind
The roses of Pierian streams upon thy brow; thy doom
Is now to flit with unknown ghosts in cold and nameless gloom.

AND THEIR FEET MOVE

And their feet move rhythmically, as tender feet of Cretan girls danced once around an altar of love, crushing a circle in the soft smooth flowering grass.

SAPPHO

BEFORE THEY WERE MOTHERS

Before they were mothers Leto and Niobe had been the most devoted of friends.

SAPPHO

Balance

I think the most important thing we have to learn through out our lives is balance. Nature shows us how the slightest shift can change our world dramaticly. You can see it in everything, both the tangible and intangible. For instance, if you have two molecules of different origin and you combine them they become something entirely different. If you add one more you have something new again. We all know people who are too friendly and also those who are too abrasive. Our favorite people are those that are well balanced and somewhere inbetween. If you eat all day and watch t.v. you are going to grow larger, if you don't eat enough and run all day you'll get sick, but if you take in just enough food and expend just enough energy you will remain healthy and strong. I know that I am constantly trying to find my balance. I am the queen of extreams and tend to go big or go home. I tend to live in excess. I more than anyone I know need to learn balance. I love too much, work too much, shop too much and eat too much. I must admit I love extravagance. My goal for this year is pick something and find the proper balance for it in my life. I believe I will find more enjoyment in things if they are in harmony.

Spring Fever

I believe I am directly connected to the sun. It's amazing how my moods are dictated by how many sun beams I'm exposed to. This was an unusually long, dark and cold winter and my melancholy sentiment was a mirror image of it. I truly believe that there is a kind of "spring fever" I get every year. It's like waking up after a long nap. I feel excitement again and hope for the future. If I wasn't so patriotic I'd move to the Carribian. Then again I've heard that our great nation may soon be part of one large country called America. If that does happen you will find me in a grass hut on and Island some where. As long as there's wireless and and a Homesense around the corner I'll be fine.

Fathers day? What's that?

Why is it that men find it so easy to turn their back on thier offspring? I have a close friend that is going through a divorce and shares custody of her three year old daughter with her soon to be ex-husband. Late last night she recieved a phone call from him asking her if he gave up all his rights to their daughter would she drop her claim on child support. He basicly sold his daughter. My daughter's father has never met her and has never shown any interest in doing so. My own biological father never contacted me during my life and even though I sought him out and spent years getting to know him, he still never treated me the same way he did the daughter he raised. Is it genetic? Is it something primal? I mean is it like male lions just goin around mating and producing babies just to have their seed out there? I know that there are many fathers that truly love their children and would do anything for them but they are few and far between these days. It's no bloody wonder that female homosexuality has soared the way it has in the last few decades. Even though I didn't grow up with my biological father i did have a dad. My mother remarried when I was just little and I grew up believing that Tom (her second husband) was my father. I was a daddy's girl and loved him to death. we were a family till my mid twenties when my parents divorced. I was devistated to find that my dad divorced me too. when he fell out of love with my mother he seemed to fall out of love with me as well. Through my life I have never felt the unconditional love of a man in any form. The only constant I have experienced is my mother, daughter and sisters. Rather than dwelling on this I would like to rejoice in all the love I have, all the women that have been there for me through thick and thin. Women truly are the beauty in this world.

The artist in all of us

What makes you an artist? Is it a degree? A gallery showing? Or is it because you have made a career out of it? Some of the most artistic people I've known have no degree, have never had thier work shown publicly and have never sold a piece. My paternal grandfather was an "artist". He taught art at the university level in Toronto and did a lot of work for different architectual firms. My mother can sketch the most beautiful pieces in minutes and I've done my fair share of creations myself. My daughter can learn any drum beat instantly and my little sister has her own artsy way about her. So I guess you could say I come from a family of artists but if you ask any of them (except my grandfather who has passed) they would shrug and say "noooo I just do it for fun". Well I want to be the first to acknowledge all those artists out there who are NOT world renowned, who are not making a living off thier gift and who are selling themselves short. Art is all interperatation, it's what makes life interesting and beautiful. I wouldn't want to live in a world without art in every form.

My ode to you... God help me

So you wanted me to write about you so here it goes. I spent 3 years with you. I went from climbing to my goal to the deepest rut I have ever had during those years. I suffered the worst depression, I drank to stay alive, I felt no hope, no comfort and more alone than I ever had before or since. I tried every way possible to escape, from leaving you, to cheating on you to a suicide attempt. Being with you was like having ten problem children all in one. You never helped me with bills, goals or to better myself in anyway. You rely on everyone else to make your life for you and have no idea how to stand on your own two feet. You are by far the most negative person I have ever met in my life, so full of rage and hate you spew poison everytime you open your mouth. You are so vengeful that people are afraid to cross you in any way. You have no boundaries and will do whatever it takes to achieve the revenge you seek. You see yourself as a victim and because of that you will never grow. You take no responsabilities for your actions and place blame on anyone but yourself.

Even with all of this I still view our relationship as a very good learning experience. If I survived you I can survive anything.

"You Are Soooo Nice"

If you ask any random aquantance of mine what their impression is of me they will undoubtedly say "she is so nice". I'm continually suprised how many people are amazed by simple courtesy and respect. What does that say about our society today. I lived in a small town for a very long three years and I found it difficult to connect with anyone there. It seems that the people there were very suspicious of me. They thought I must have had ulterior motives and thought me "fake". I found it intolerable, I fell into a depression and eventually had to move away to cleanse myself of such a negative place.

I now live in a great little city and have made many genuine friendships that will stand the test of time.

The story doesn't end there though. Unfortunately there are the cynical and jaded everywhere we go. Last week I had a day from hell. I worked very hard and found little comfort in those around me. When I asked for help I was confronted with zero understanding and sarcasm. I really felt alone and misunderstood. I think those of us who make it our mission to be kind have a much harder time dealing with those who aren't. My heart is my very favorite part of me. I can look in the mirror and truly say I am the kindest person I can be.

We all have our problems and have been hurt, stepped on and screwed over but you can't let that change you and make you bitter. Remember that every negative thing you say takes seven positive remarks to undo. It can be hard to put on a smile some days but if you can brighten just one persons day then you have contributed to the good of us all.

My pet peeves

Although I tend to write about them occasionally I thought I'd make a little list and vent a bit, I mean that's what this outlet is for, no?? First off Lazy people who think life owes them something. I really can't stand that. There is balance in life weather you like it or not so If you give nothing you will recieve nothing, it's pretty simple people.

Second, people with no sense of grammar. I know there is slang everywhere and different dialects all over the country but if you are going to try to use a more advanced vocabulary at least learn what each word means before injecting them into your conversations.

Third, Illogical people. I have a few in mind with this one. They go against what is the logical answer to their puzzle and do the exact opposite. Then they are dumbfounded when things don't turn out the way they expected. It drives me nuts.

Fourth, and this one is probably the biggest one. Judgemental people. Now it may seem that I have been doing just that in my first three peeves but actually it is the character flaw I judge not the person themselves. I listen to people all day and hear them referr to eachother in derogatory terms. I can go into a lot of detail with this one but I will just keep it brief and say that just because someone is different than you, or has vices, it doesn't mean they are less human. I know a few girls who are judged by their lifestyle choices and although it may not be what I would choose for my life it is not a reason to blackball them or treat them badly. I really feel strongly about that.

I'm sure I have a ton more like, parents who don't listen to their kids and the very superficial, but I'll leave that for another day. Domestic duties call and time is limited so till tomorrow try to use your time wisely, learn all you can, use logic always and try not to judge too harshly...

Positive and Negative Forces

Since making the choice to remove as much negativity as possible from my life i have found a peace I never knew possible. I haven't been successful in purging all of it but a large portion is forever gone. For the longest time I was living with dark and frustrating forces because I didn't know I could function without them. I have elected to be proactive in cultivating a positive and prosperous future. Life is a work in progress and as long as we never settle for what we believe to be all we deserve we can master it. I still have mountains to climb but I now feel I have the proper gear to do so.

personal quote

"The end of the line approaches quickest when traveling the road of least resistance"
Therese Jenkins
March 2008

Hello Ms. Sunshine

Running on a two hour nap and looking at a very full day. I had the sweetest dreams and they will keep me propelled through what lies ahead. I think I felt me wake up inside. No fake smilles today, I'm authentic and fierce. Rawr baby!!!!!!!!

Giving

I've stopped wondering why the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, it's simply because the rich hold on to their pennies while the rest of us spend, give and lend till we have nothing left. I am always ready to help the less fortunate, maybe I don't give to every charity I come accross but I do my fare share of helping others. I became aware of a young girl who was kicked out of her home by her parents because she came out as a lesbian. She is only seventeen and had to leave school in search of work to support herself. One evening I was summond to her appartment to pick up my own teenage daughter and when I entered there was at least twenty other kids milling about. The place was a mess with not a crumb of food to be found. It seems that as soon as this poor girl was out on her own the local teens adopted her home as their own. I went home that night feeling very pained to think of that child going to bed hungry and waking up to no breakfast. The first chance I got I went to market and filled the cart with all that I could afford to give. When I arrived with the gift the children were both excited and greatful. I've been told many a time that it's better to teach one to fish than to give one a fish but there are circumstances where charitable deeds are both nessasary and vital.

There have been so many times in my life when I would have given the shirt off my back to help one that is in need but have not been in the position to do so. So here I referr to my previous entry, as much as I would love to think that because of my own good deeds that maybe it's my turn to be on the recieving end. Well I wouldn't have much integrity if I felt entitled to something in return. So I must do what I do for the sole purpose of helping my fellow woman kind and for no other reason than that, otherwise it's just a passive greed. So to wrap up my most recent rant I will leave you with this, Be kind to others because you ARE kind, NOT because you wish for kindness in return.

Being blessed

One of the most unattractive attributes you can have is a poor me, self serving way. The martyre on the cross. If we all took the time to review our thoughts and feelings before rationalizing them, we would probably see how much we display these traits. It's a trap that some of us fall into quite regularly. You find yourself thinking 'what did I do to deserve that?'. Maybe nothing, but you can't rely on the cosmos to work it all out so that you get what you think you deserve. If you do you'll be waiting forever. Have you ever taken a drive and noticed all those seventeen year olds driving cars you could never afford?? Have you thought to yourself 'I'll bet daddy bought that for him on his 16th birthday' and bitterly scowled as you passed that poor boy?? Well the truth is he probably DID get it for nothing but he will never know the joy and feeling of accomplishment you get when you work for what you have. We all know someone so beautiful and charismatic that opportunity seems to constantly land in their lap, if we feel envious I suppose it is natural but you really can't fault them because they have been blessed, all we can do is try harder to use what we have been given to get to where we want to be. If you are reading this and thinking 'wow she must be very well rounded' you are half right, I feel all the same sour emotions as anyone else, I just think them through and put them where they belong. I would be a liar if I said I wouldn't be in heaven if some angel came to me with all the answers to my problems but I no longer dream it, wish for it or wait for it. I tredge through each day and somehow find the stamina to do it again tomorrow. I hope reading this enlightens just one person, then I will truly feel blessed.

Darker dayz

It's happening, the day has come when my daughter recieves birthday wishes and cheques in the mail from her relatives. I am estranged from all that is familiar. I share history with no one. All those who have owned portions of my heart are scattered and lost. My life is rich and full in my own personal world, the one only I live in. Out here with the rest I am cold, miserably misunderstood and fighting to stay awake. I wonder if only the melancholy contemplate life so thouroughly. I wonder if anyone hears our sad tunes in the night. i wonder if those distant souls that I can still feel, feel me too? Routine calls me back and I must paint on my smiles and turn the artificial light on in my eyes. I know I am good at that if nothing else.

Perspectives

We can share years of experiences together, we can be at the same place at the same time, we can breath the same air and taste the same food, yet when each of us look back we may recall all of our common history quite uniquely. My perception may be rosey while yours may be dark.
Our impressions may vary wildly.
You know you've found a soulmate when your observations and opinions are shared through a common story, when you both have come from the same place and share one common memory. The truth.

MGF looking for muse

Ok so my writing is self indulgant and sweet but this is just a blog, not a best selling novel so deal with it. I have been in the process of writing my first book for a while now. I seem to become inspired, flow for a while and then realize I want to write about something else. I have numerous first pages and no last ones. So I suppose I need a muse. Any takers???

Motherhood

Being a young single mother of one I raised my daughter with all the tools I had. She was an only child and never had any other parental figure but me. Growing up I always wondered why parents felt the need to lie and sugar coat things. I found out a lot about my family when I was in my twenties and realized I never really knew the people who were the closest to me. So I made the decision that I would raise my child without the bullshit that the typical parent feeds their kid. I was sure that all the rebellion and teenage angst was due to the crap that parents put on us. Here we are 16 years into parent hood and my daughter although open minded and honest is still a rebel. I think I had a good idea but I'm sure had I tried again I could have done it better. I understand the pressure to fit in and the temptations that are out there but I wish there was a way to teach our children to learn from us, our mistakes don't have to be repeated if they trust us. I have hope that within the next two years my daughter will have gotten all the self destructive behaviour out of her system and settle into a healthy prosperous lifestyle. I don't want her to be anything but happy and healthy. I hope the hippy in me bleeds into her. I've been far from perfect and have gone through a lot of troubles myself but through it all she was always number one and continues to be. Happy birthday baby, I love you......

Sexuality and love

I've been considering my own sexual evalution, the importance I've put on it during my life and the possability of being deprived of any new experiences. I went to a catholic school, wore the cute little school girl uniform and my friends were very experimental and experienced for their age. I was one of the last in my crowd to loose my virginity and that's not saying much considering I was very young when I lost mine. I had a very strong sex drive at an early age and found it difficult to be single because at that point in my life I had no idea that girls masterbated, infact I was 25 years old before I discovered I was able to take care of this itch all on my own. My early lovers were men ( or boys I suppose) Who were out for their own gratification. I was on to my fourth or fifth lover before I experienced my first orgasm. I can't attribute that to my lovers skills as he was no more interested in my pleasure as any other I had been with at that time. My first love was with a guy, he was my best friend and also the only male I have ever loved. We were as active sexually as any young teenage couple that has discovered they may have relations on a regular basis. I found strength in my sexual nature and used it to my advantage.

I was no different than any other girl my age except that I was far more sensative than most. I never understood (and still don't) how men can just be sooooo infatuated with you until you sleep with them and then you become the dreaded "booty call". It is an enormous lack of respect, for you as an indevidual and for women in general. I wonder if gay men behave that way with each other or if it strictly a strait man's bag.

Well with the end of my longterm relationship with my first love (due to an act of extreme betrayal on his part) I decided to widen my horizons and start to seriously date women. I had experimented as we all do in my earlier years and had had many a crush a some cute girl I was foolin around with but nothing too serious until then. I finally fell head over heels in love with a younger woman when I moved back home to Toronto from B.C.. I was 27 and as far as I knew at the time she was 24. She was amazing, beautiful, smart, funny and she made my heart flutter everytime I heard her voice. We fell hard and fast and before I knew it I was thinking of her as "THE ONE". But back to the good stuff, the sex I mean. She was agressive in a seductive way, she made me feel like I was on the recieving end of all the same lures I had used in my life. I was at her mercy. I had never in my life felt such an attraction or all consuming desire. When we were apart all I had to do was think of her and I was good to go. She would call me at work and after the first hello have the most steamy orgasm right there on the phone when I was least expecting it. I would be completely floored and barely able to finish my work day. She was unashamed when we were out and would whisper erotic flirtations in my ear while giving me that come hither look. I was in my own kind of heaven with her. Then the day came when it was over, I never really understood it at the time but she was far younger than she led on (19) and was not ready for a serious relationship. I thought I would die.

Alas i survived, she taught me so much. I was now aware that I was gay and not bi as I had earlier thought. During our six month tryst I had discovered a whole new me although I found it slightly difficult to deal with, both the loss of her and the realization that I was not who I thought I was. During the years since her I have fallin in love two more times. Both relation ships have taught me much and I will forever love them in different ways.

I once again must say that I am fortunate in that I have had such rich experiences, but here I am in my prime and I play solo. Yes it's true that dreaded lesbian deathbed has found it's way into my life and sucked the power right out of me. I know that provocative vixen is still within me buried deep beneath my bills and monotonous routines. Perhaps I will be inspired again or perhaps I've had all I am to have. I know that love doesn't depend on sex but can one with such a foxy disposition bloom in this station?? Time will tell.....

Reflections

One of my favorite movie scenes appears in the award winning film "The Hours". Clarissa is in an emotional state because her soul mate and bff Richard is in the final stages of Aids related illnesses that are surely about to end his tragic yet romanticly artistic life. Clarrisa opens up to her daughter about her lost innocence. She says " I remember waking up that morning and thinking 'this is it, this IS happiness, and of course there will be more' but what I didn't realize is that it WAS happiness, it was THE moment". The first time I saw that scene I was blown away by her statement, it was so incredibly true. I recall a moment in highschool when I was thinking 'this is what I've been waiting for, finally', If only we could appreciate these times as they were happening and not only when we are in deep reflection. I can say that I do try to absorb it all now that I have a smidge more wisdom. I take more time to enjoy a moment and I try to not dwell on the darker side. Could be another sign of maturity, *sigh, I still have mixed emotions on that topic........

An Introspective Look At Love #1

I must count myself very lucky. In my three decades I have experienced more love of varying varieties and degrees than most in a century. I believe that there is no ideal love, it is what it is. When we first become aware of love in it's romantic form we are so consumed by the intensity of it that we tend to turn off all other senses and allow ourselves to drown in this new and crushing sensation. It's true that you will never experience the same feeling again yet when you do find a more mature love it will be in closer balance with your conciousness. Every ballad won't stop you in your tracks and take you to a physical memory of a touch, or a look. At least not with this new lover. That kind of magic is wasted on the young and inexperienced. It is our innocence that allows us to plunge so deeply and fool heartedly into that early stage of awakening desire. Nothing will ever compare to the joy and the pain of that initial taste of rapture.

Our Public Diaries

I wonder how we went from a lock and key diary to a world wide accessable, public blog. Do we feel so anonymous in this new lap top socialization that we are comfortable enough to share our most private thoughts? Maybe it's because we know there are so many of us out there that no one really reads our stuff anyways. Regardless I revel in my freedom. I had enough vodka and wine soaked years where I neglected to document my experiences. So here I am world, watch out I may have something to say after all.

When is one "grown up"

When I was a child I believed that being a grown up was something that "happened" to you one day. I've been patiently waiting for that day ever since. I keep getting older, my debts get larger, my child becomes an adult and yet I feel no different. I still want everything, still make mistakes and still look to the day when I will finally know all the answers. I suppose knowing that we will never have it all or know it all is when we actually start to grow. Whether it's a starting place or an ending I suppose is up to each of us. I seem to have moments of pure clarity these days. Times when it all makes so much sense. It doesn't always last long but it's a promising sign. Perhaps I will grow into the number of which is attached to my life span. Maybe the next time someone asks how old I am I won't want to add "but I feel like I'm 22".