Truthfully.....

One of my favorite lyrics is "If you don't like the peach, then walk on by the tree". Why is it that some of our dates turn into one month wonders and others turn into the famous "Uhaul"? I think I'm the same with everyone I meet. I know I expect the same from those I encounter, so why do some want us eternally while others see us as a good time only? I think it's a few things. First off I think the very insecure need to meet some kind of quota to feel thier own importance. I also believe that the new internet singles seem to conjure up some grand vision of the one they are interested in and find themselves dissapointed when they realise that the one they have courted is just as human as they are.
So many of my friends are "on the market" and date a lot of strangers they meet on line. I am constantly reminding those I am close to about discretion while travelling the well travelled highway directly connected to the computer in thier private rooms. I want them to be well advised and careful. I want them to find what they are looking for, most times they don't. Why is this? Have our expectations gone haywire now that the world is at our fingertips? Do we think that all our hopes and dreams will be answered by some amazing stranger we come accross?? I mean the only difference between now and thirty years ago is this computer and what it allows us to do.
The very lonely need not brood on thier own anymore. They may exhibit themselves as they see thier profiles. They can be anything they want. The opposite is true in many ways. Those who have found thenselves the centre of attention may not have the capacity to sell themselves on this new medium. One thing is clear, We have become far more superficial than I ever thought possible. All anyone is concerned about is pictures. They want them to see if you are worthy of thier attention, to see if you are someone they might be inclind to take to bed and also to see if you are someone they can show off to all those they have weaved thier superficial world for. I for one have decided long ago to see people as they are inside. I can appreciate esthetic beauty but will never make it something that is imparitive to my decisions on who I want to court. I have seen that what is inside is truly what counts. Once in a while we encounter those that are beautiful in everyway, and I must say that those of us who aren't looking for the external tend to find it more regularely.
We don't delete when an image pops up that is not what we had in mind, we get to know more about the person. I have been with some of the most beautiful people anyone has ever seen and the reason for this is because we fell for eachother's heart and mind, not for the hair, lips and waist line so many are searching for.
All I'm trying to show here is, maybe you are lonely because you look for the wrong things. Maybe happiness has been there the whole time but your insecurities have disabled you from finding it. Remember that beauty is only skin deep and ugly goes right to the bone.

Wake Up!

One lesson we tend to learn throughout our life is that people grow into wiser, more responsable versions of who they used to be. Sadly once in a while someone we care about can show us that regression can also occur. I have written about one such friend already but there is a far better example of such a person that I intend to share with you now.
During the time I spent with her she was always childlike but at the time I found it endearing. She lived at home with her parents and was taken care of like a child by both her mother and father. Through the years I learned a great deal about her. She had a past, but we all have, to some degree during our teenage years and to judge would be hypocritical. I over looked her short comings and believed that she hadn't been given the opportunity to mature. Soon we were living together and I learned quickly that she was irresponsible and unwilling to give herself fully to an adult relationship. As the bills piled up and the refrigerator emptied she would just go home to her mommy and have everything she needed. If her brakes failed on her car or her tires needed to be renewed daddy would step in and pay for it. I found a job that paid more so that I could pick up the slack around the house and soon found myself resenting her. Three years later I had had enough. She still hadn't grown, she was still a pouting child throwing wild temper tantrums when she didn't get her way and she still couldn't stand on her own two feet. I finally left her. To no ones suprise she went straight home to you know who. She was upset that while she was gone they had given the privacy of the basement to one of thier other children and she was left with a bedroom in the main part of the house where it would be difficult for her to hide her vices. In the five years since I've been gone she has reverted back to old behaviours. I don't know who to blame here. Just yesterday I heard that she has been thrown in jail for assaulting her father and attempting to steal his car. Her mother tearfully spent the evening calling all the people she knew to see if someone would bail her out and allow her daughter to stay with them rather then seeing the situation as a wake up call that the child she continues to "raise" needs help of another kind. I know she reads my blog. I know she will be angry. It's time girl, you need to stop this and grow up. You are 31 years old and are behaving like a fifteen year old. You should be ashamed of yourself for hurting the people that have cared the most for you. You know you have lost me and I will never come back to you but don't throw away the love of everyone else you may have left. The clock is ticking and you can never go back.

A Small Outburst

You know it all. You've done everything, been everywhere and are an expert on just about all there is. Wow! It's a shame that there is little room left in your life for learning. I know we all feel we have a lot of life experience and we do but to hear "Well I know this because I've been everywhere" ALL the time can get old fast. Trust me if there was a cap on knowledge no one alive today would achieve it. Life is a school that never lets out so don't deny new ways of doing things. I love to learn from those who have done and seen more than I have and yet as soon as they sound like they are portraying themselves as some kind of know it all I loose intrest faster than the speed of light. The wisest people I know are those who listen more than talk, they absorb more than spew.

Hunt

I have to create something to look forward to. The three keys to happiness are 1) Someone to love 2) Something to do 3) Something to look forward to. I love many people and have plenty to do so I suppose I just need the last on the list. The hunt for this can be in itself amusing. Well there is no use trying to concentrate this morning. Between the construction crew outside my bedroom window and the girl upstairs I am left with no peace. So till tonight......

Thursday Thoughts

It seems I've ruffled a few feathers with some of my entries. Please don't jump to conclusions and presume you know the identidy of the subjects I write about. It amazes me how so many people think they are the characters in these stories.



As far as me being a lesbian goes, it doesn't define me as a whole. I am far more than my sexuality. I am free to express any part of who I am in this medium. I am also a mother, friend, voter and member of society as is milions of other gays and lesbians in this wonderful free country of ours.



So read if you will, I welcome you, but save your assumptions and judgments for church on sunday, I won't be there to stop you. (I'll be busy writing erotic tales of homosexuality and other naughty stories that are sure to send me to hell)

Morning Inspiration

My restless sleep was riddled with nightmares. In them I had no control, I was helpless to stop the terror around me. I awoke to dark skies and thick moist air. No time for me to dwell today, I am in demand and need to be witty and charming. I have seen tough times lately and must find away to line my pockets with the employment I have or add a third job to my roster. I'm tired and worn. I was told yesterday that I had a blinking aura and I was at the cusp of some great things. As much as I don't believe such things I'm clinging to the hope that this may be right. I'm trying to be both parents, both partners and both bread winners and it's wearing me thin. I have always been these things mind you but lately with the demands of kids, pets, home and all the others who depend on me for support of every kind I might be over my head. Sometimes we just need a break, a miracle of sorts. I'm proactive in this fight for happiness and stability and I could use the stars to allign in my favor for a while. Well I'm off to find the right clothes to inspire. Wish me luck today, i need it.

Stumped

When I met him he was fun, charming and brilliant. I looked forward to the weekends when I would join him and his lover for elaborate dinner parties where the sangria pitcher was bottomless and the music never stopped. He was ingratiating and warm. He doted on me and made me feel like the guest of honor at every turn. His eclectic style was chic in his urban pad. I found him worldly and facinating. Unfortunately nothing remains the same for long.

I have stood by and watched my friend spiral downward into alcoholism. I have seen his eyes red rimmed for years now and I'm afraid that they will never shine bright again. There was a time in my life when I too stuggled with the bottle but thank goodness responsability and reason changed my life for the better. My dear friend has lost his home, his credit is ruined and he seems to have lost his self respect. Living in his parents basement isn't where he saw himself being at this stage of his life. So now I wonder, what does a friend do? Do I tell him what he already knows and hears everyday? Do I stand by and listen to the same stories another hundred times, or do I stand up, look him in the eyes and tell him that no one cares anymore. His lover is about to leave him, his family has had enough and I just can't smile and bear it any longer. I can't abandon him but I also can't sit back and watch him kill himself and destroy all that was once good in his life. He is stubborn and self righteous and he will see any attempt at intervention as a personal attack. I truely don't know what to do. I care for my friend but I can't let his demons take me down too.

My Invitation

I took a double dose of EFA's today, trying to tear down the cobwebs and sharpen my tools. I want to write all day. I want my visions to seep through to my finger tips and become one with my computer screen. The coffee is brewed and the music chosen. All I need now is a little inspiration. That elusive muse has not shown herself to me.

We all have our own way of arousing that creative part of us. Sometimes a powerful film or a stimulating piece of music can help ignite the fire. Emotion is what fuels this part of our brain. I suppose that's why so many gifted writers become alcoholics and drug users. I try to use this blog as my drug of choice. When I feel too much and need to escape I simply pour out my heart on this page and hope that I have laid to rest my demons for another day.

I not only welcome the thoughts of any readers who venture here but find that your input and interest helps me to settle into that place, that headspace I need to be in. So come one come all and share your thoughts, experiences and feelings with me. I am a sponge ready to soak up your emotions like the messy spills they are.

Atlantic Appreciation

Well I just deleted a paragraph before I hit publish, after I re-read my entry I realised how negative it sounded. Since moving to moncton I've had pretty good luck with the people I've encountered. I mean there was that girl I hung out with for a while who turned out to be the daughter of satan and the other bi-polar wonder I met who really should be in an institution and of course the high strung boy lover who is so full of himself that it makes me want to puke. Other than these three I really have enjoyed the company of everyone else. I have a great group of friends and have a lot of laughs on a daily basis. Moncton remeinds me of the Brampton of my childhood. It's a small city with a lot of suburbs and the far outer rim is dotted with rural homes with rolling hills.
My neighborhood on the otherhand is very different from the one I grew up in. Back home in the GTA subdivisions are pre-planned and the homes are either very similar or identical to the ones next door while here on the east coast you could have a sprawling mansion next door to a crack house. Believe it or not I find Moncton a far better place to live. I like that we all need to learn to live together and there is no seperation between tax brackets.
Life is very colourful here and the people are friendly. I do miss the multi-culturalism of Toronto. I mean there is only one place to get sushi and the only "Greek" restaurant is a very Canadianized version of what greek food should be. Thank goodness I'm a good cook. All in all I love my new home and am very enthusiastic about bringing some culture and western ways of thinking to this little slice of heaven.