Toxic

Every few years we meet someone truly contemptible. A person so full of poison that they can't help but destroy those around them. It can be difficult to deal with such an individual on a daily basis. I have been doing my best to be pleasant and nonconfrontational but I've been pushed to my limit. I won't allow myself to be subjected to childish games and sabotage. We choose what we are exposed to and I have chosen not to be receptive to this venom any longer. There will be changes this week and I will rise above this nonsense and become better for it. You get what you give and Mr. you are in for some toxic truth of your own making.

Getting My Groove Back

I feel like I've been hungry for too long. I've passed the point where it hurts and became apathetic. Now the cravings have returned and my body is realizing what it's been missing. I'm speaking in metaphores of course, the kind of nourishment I'm lacking you can't buy at the grocery store. I feel like I've been married for twenty years and am going through some kind of mid-life crisis. I want to feel again. As great as my memories are, I'm far too young to rely on them to sustain me for the duration of my life. I have the greatest gift of imagination but even that gets tired. One way or another I'm going to find that part of me again. I'm going to find what I need and I'm going to satisfy this longing. Luckily we never forget the method and we only improve with time.

Confessions

The most intimate part of a kiss is just before the lips meet, when you feel the breath and heat but not the pressure. Sometimes I loose myself in magnificent reveries. I remember how it was to feel the earth move beneath my feet. To be drunk on lust. Such a powerful drug it is, we will follow it to the end of the earth, chance it all, even hurt ones we love just for that high. I remember a girl, she was my best friend for a time. For the sake of her right to privacy I'll call her "Mia". Mia and I were wild. We knew how to have a good time and made it our mission to do so as much as possible. We met at a bar one night in the ladies bathroom. Later that same night we found ourselves at the same party and hit it right off. Now keep in mind that at this point in my life I was pretty damn sure I was straight, Possibly Bi but I never would have admitted it.

During the evening Mia sat on my lap on a chaise lounge and stretched out on top of me. I remember the bolt of electricity that went though me at that moment and the confusion it left me in afterward. I recall the feeling of her long hair laying across my chest and the way it tickled and sent shivers through my whole body. I knew what I was feeling was new, I knew I had never felt it before. I found my self stroking her hair and talking softly to her, as close to her ear as I would allow myself to go without putting my lips on her neck. To my amazement she responded to every touch, every breath and every word just the way I wanted her to. The party was in full swing all around us but she was all I could see. When she finally rose to leave I felt cold and perplexed. That night I found the best looking guy I could and spent two days in bed with him proving to myself how straight I really was.

The next couple of months were like learning who I was all over again. I reconsiled a relationship with a past lover (a man)who I had spent years with and continued to spend a lot of time with Mia. One night we decided to go to a exotic dance bar where women danced and girated for five dollar bills and men drank themselves stupid and paid to have their desires met. We sat down at the only table left in the bar and I asked her why she wanted to come here, her response was not what I was looking for. She said "wouldn't you rather be in a bar full of men and only a handfull of other women rather than one full of competition"? I agreed but sectretly I was dissapointed that she hadn't at least said "Because I was curious". So there we sat and drank free beer all night while man after man tried to sit with us. To my surprise the more she drank the more she seemed less interested in the men and far more interested in me. The shooter girl came over and told us that a table of men had bought us the whole tray and we invited her to sit with us and drink them all. This seductive girl taught us the art of the "hooter shooter" and I must say if we weren't a hit before we certainly were now. I don't think the patrons of that establishment cared what was on the stage anymore, all eyes were on us. Mia seemed to feed off this attention and it seemed to press her on to more dangerous ground. Before I knew it she was on my lap giving me a taste of rasberry liquer, first from the test tube between her breasts and next from her lips. The world was spinning from more than just the alcohol that night. From that night forward we would often end up in eachothers arms or at least connected at the mouth during lengthy workouts on some dancefloor. It took a while for me to admit it to myself but I had one hell of a crush on my best friend. Unfortunately deception and betrayal ended our friendship early on, I never had the chance to explore my feelings further. I was left wounded, confused and very self consious.

I wonder where she is today? I've looked her up in the usual places but have never found her again. I wonder if she knows that her playful ways awoke a whole other woman in me. I wonder if she knows that thinking of her now still sends a thrill through me and allows me to remember a more innocent time when a kiss could make me quiver.

Changes

A great opporunity has been put in front of me. The question is wether I am up to it. Do I want to go back to the black suits and upsweapt hair? Worrying wether I've dyed my hair a little too funky or if my earings hang a little to low? I have really enjoyed the last two years. I grew my hair down past my waist, I've exposed tatoos that once were taboo. Here I am choosing a basic black buisness attire and toning down the eyeliner just like back in the day. I really did hate it. I suppose if the price is right I'll sell out. I hope it doesn't kill the free spirit I've become. Titles are all well and good but if you dread waking up to another day of hell at the office then why do it? Again dollar signs are the devil here. Well wish me luck. I hope I make the right decision.

Bedtime Thoughts

I can feel the musical vibrations through my key board to my fingertips. Sitting here listening to Buddah bar, Pure Moods Chill Out Lounge. It's after midnight and all the kiddies are tucked away in thier beds. Tonight I enjoy my solitude. The flame from my candles casts moving shadows on my walls. I loosen up and start to unwind. I feel like I'm melting into my ambiance. My kingsize overstuffed bed piled with layers of goosedown duvets and heaps of pillows looks like heaven to me. The night is just cool enough for comfort and just warm enough to wear as little as possible. It's going to be all sweet dreams tonight.

Clarification

I have had some upset over my last entry. I did not mean to say that those around me are stupid. What I'm trying to articulate is my need for a companion with similar intrests. Someone who can share my intrigues and passions. Sometimes I fear I'm a little too deep. I suppose what I'm trying to say is I want to meet another human who thinks with the same side of the brain as myself. Even my daughter doesn't "get" me. Jenessa is a math genious and gets better grades then I could ever have dreamed of but she can't stand my choice in art films, music or even my writing. So I apologize if I have offended anyone, this was not my intent, but once again I do enjoy the controversy.

Too Deep

Am I understood? Do I raise more than a smile with my words? Am I drowning in my own eloquence? I feel I may be alienating myself from peers. I want to know others like me. I want to be able to share ideas with another. I know I have this wonderful outlet but it's so solitary. I do this alone. I've said it before but I feel I need to have an intelectual connection. I keep pouring my soul into this abyss. Where does it all go? I have physical beings all around me but I need depth. I'm continually left wanting. I'm singular in this company. Well here's another dismal entry. Perhaps if I complain long enough my compeer will turn up.

Love Box

Do you find music moves you? Do you feel it all over? Or just use one sense when experiencing it? I find that different music affects me in different ways. When I'm alone and relaxing I tend to sway towards an ambient sound, Groove Armada being my favorite of these. It's like soft feathers all around me, tickling me with a warm breeze. Or sometimes I like a folky-jazz like Nora Jones, Her earthy sound makes me feel like I'm down south with iced tea and cypress trees, rocking on a porch in a greek revival style home with white pillars and sheers billowing in the hot gentle wind. I have a strong affinity for Blues as well, I think a Rolling Stone Journalist said it best when he wrote "Rock is like sex while Blues is like fucking". He must have had Jimmy Hendrix playing on his ipod when he wrote those words because when Jimmy plays you can feel him everywhere.

This summer London is hosting it's seventh annual music festival "Love Box"that lasts two days. I would sell my soul (if I had one) to go to that. I would be in some kind of sustained rapture. I think I'd be overflowing with inspiration. Ah to be 18 with no responsabilities again.....Well the best I can hope for is watching snippits on line and trying to feel the energy through the super highway. I think I'll pick this topic up again another time, I could write about music forever because the varieties are endless.

Calm After The Storm

The sun rose again today as promised. My midnight rant just a distant memory now. With the sun comes hope. The ambient melody playing in the background helps to set my mood. Forging forward with a positive outlook, I flex my emotional muscles and strengthen them so that I may rise above my previous melancholy. Save my tears for a more deserving funk.

The smoke from my ciggarette seems to dance with the music, swaying back and forth and twirling upwards towards the sunbeams. It's nice to have this peace. The children are out, the dogs asleep and the neighborhood is quiet. It's a good time to devise an action plan to re-route my life and bring me back some security. Change can be fearsome but motivating as well.

Rambling Incohertently.....

I'm indignant. I need to escape but i have made a pledge to myself, I will not self medicate, I will stand up and deal with life as it happens. I just need to get through this night. Tomorrow is a new day. My mind reels and my skin itches. The banging in my head is deafening. I'd scream if I had a voice. Reason keeps tugging at my brain and makes me dizzy. Someone needs to take the riens and guide me. Left to my own devices, I could end up anywhere. My emotions run so deep and intense that I tremble. Here I am in my private oasis, I should feel blissful and yet I'm full of frustration. Where's that light at the end of this very long tunnel? At times like this I feel I could go mad. Does everyone struggle like this? Am I being soft? Playing the victim? I'd hate to think I was. I wouldn't feel any better if I had a choir behind me singing my blues. I'm apprehensive. I fear losing all the ground I've gained. I guess sometimes I just get tired of being strong.

Block Head

Sometimes it's hard to write. When all the mundane issues of life stand in the way of my thought process. It can be difficult to find my peaceful place when the dogs are barking and the kids are stomping. This morning I awoke to a mess in the kitchen, two teenagers alsleep on my couch in the livingroom and a stack of bills that had just arrived in the mail. My hours have been cut down drasticly at work due to lack of business and I have many renovations still ahead to pay for. This is one of those times I wish I had someone here to help. I am proud that I have accomplished what I have basicly on my own but every once in a while I do get overwhelmed and feel I could use a helping hand. I suppose I will get through this as I always do. Well I suppose I'll dig out some advil and get to work straightening up this dwelling before I have to go paint on my smile and sell my sanity for a living...

Does Anyone Share My Beliefs?

I thought I would share my struggle to find like-minded individuals in this entry. If you are close enough to me to share debates on faith and religion then you know my views to some extent. I am a proud Secular Humanist. I share the views of the great Socrates and so many other renowned thinkers of our world, both past and present. Humanism has been around as long as any other "religion". Being a Secular Humanist means living with a realistic view and rejecting all supernaturalism. We rely primarily upon reason and science and believe in the goodness of mankind. Humanists understand that there is both good and evil in the world, we also understand that it is in our power to choose what road to take. Morals are basicly a point of view.
Humanism is one of those philosophies for people who think for themselves. There is no area of thought that a Humanist is afraid to challenge and explore.
Humanism is a philosophy focused upon human means for comprehending reality. Humanists make no claims to possess or have access to supposed transcendent knowledge.
Humanism is a philosophy of reason and science in the pursuit of knowledge. Therefore, when it comes to the question of the most valid means for acquiring knowledge of the world, Humanists reject arbitrary faith, authority, revelation, and altered states of consciousness.
Humanism is a philosophy of imagination. Humanists recognize that intuitive feelings, hunches, speculation, flashes of inspiration, emotion, altered states of consciousness, and even religious experience, while not valid means to acquire knowledge, remain useful sources of ideas that can lead us to new ways of looking at the world. These ideas, after they have been assessed rationally for their usefulness, can then be put to work, often as alternate approaches for solving problems.
Humanism is a philosophy for the here and now. Humanists regard human values as making sense only in the context of human life rather than in the promise of a supposed life after death.
Humanism is a philosophy of compassion. Humanist ethics is solely concerned with meeting human needs and answering human problems--for both the individual and society--and devotes no attention to the satisfaction of the desires of supposed theological entities.
Humanism is a realistic philosophy. Humanists recognize the existence of moral dilemmas and the need for careful consideration of immediate and future consequences in moral decision making.
Humanism is in tune with the science of today. Humanists therefore recognize that we live in a natural universe of great size and age, that we evolved on this planet over a long period of time, that there is no compelling evidence for a separable "soul," and that human beings have certain built-in needs that effectively form the basis for any human-oriented value system.
Humanism is in tune with today's enlightened social thought. Humanists are committed to civil liberties, human rights, church-state separation, the extension of participatory democracy not only in government but in the workplace and education, an expansion of global consciousness and exchange of products and ideas internationally, and an open-ended approach to solving social problems, an approach that allows for the testing of new alternatives.
Humanism is in tune with new technological developments. Humanists are willing to take part in emerging scientific and technological discoveries in order to exercise their moral influence on these revolutions as they come about, especially in the interest of protecting the environment.
Humanism is, in sum, a philosophy for those in love with life. Humanists take responsibility for their own lives and relish the adventure of being part of new discoveries, seeking new knowledge, exploring new options. Instead of finding solace in prefabricated answers to the great questions of life, Humanists enjoy the open-endedness of a quest and the freedom of discovery that this entails.
Now, are there ANY Humanists here? Am I alone in my thinking? If you exist out here in Atlantic Canada then, come out, come out where ever you are...

Twilight Mumbojumbo

I've become nocturnal. I find myself coming alive as the rest of the city sleeps. I've planned tomorrow's menu, chosen my clothes, finished reading a novel and accomplished my list of research materials. Funny, I can do all that but I can't just close my eyes and drift. I'd love to go for sushi.

Down

Too sick to sleep. If I were a country singer I'd have some great material, too bad I dislike it so much. My lids are heavy and my throat is raw. This sweet medicine leaves me feeling loose and mellow. My tongue is thick and my vision blurred. I shiver with the icy virus in my blood. I'm weary and woozy, I want a mother. Someone to tuck me in and spoon feed me chicken soup while telling me a fairy tale in a soft breathy voice. I'm a child tonight. Cold and alone.

Torn

I'm torn. It's a kind of limbo I'm in. So I focus on what makes me happiest and wait till the smoke clears. Wellness will be my channel. I will fix what's broken on the outside and hope that the inside catches up. For a realist and humanist like myself, it's rare to hear me refer to anything as "religous" or even "spiritual" but I feel that I have surrounded myself with positive karma for a long time and that good energy must radiate from this. I have "faith" that things will turn out as they should and life will go on. Just keep climbing and even if I don't reach the top I'll still be higher than I've ever been.

My Sweet Friend, My Soulmate......

Sometimes there is no right or wrong. There are situations that dwell completely in the grey area. This is one of those. Wouldn't it be great if the world was just one long movie with a rosy ending? Unfortunately we are continuously faced with obsticles and difficult decisions. I tiptoe around the glaring truth. I hope that time will mend all the damage. Either way happiness may be out of reach. I'm stumped. So I wait and wait till some sign tells me which way to turn. I feel sorry, for us all. One thing is certain, we will always be tied together, you will always be my soulmate.

My Blog

I wonder if this blog makes me some kind of an emotional exhibitionist? Well if so then that's what I am. It's truely therepudic and an amazing outlet for my creativity. It seems I've hit close to home with a few readers, both in a positive and a negative manner. Controversy breeds change and enlightens, so I'll keep doing what I do and may blood pressure rise and hearts quicken. I find I am not desperately trying to make people like me for the first time. I write it like I see it. I'm happiest sitting here typing away, with the soft light and my strong coffee. There is nothing more satisfying than sharing ones deepest thoughts and having them enjoyed by many.

Alone In A Crowd

How can I feel so lonely when I'm never alone? I have adoring friends, a devoted partner and a doting daughter yet I feel such an emptiness. I can't imagine this being all there is. It's true feuds have driven my family to different corners of the country, never to speak again. It's also true that through the years I have lost touch with those that I considered my dearest. I can count few who have pieces of my heart now. I have no place to put my passions. Those nearest to me do not share my interests. I feel misplaced. Is there anyone comparable to me? Will I ever stumble on the perfect match to inspire me? There's no more a solitary setiment than being surrounded by many and being totally removed. I suppose I will hang on to the hope that one day I will be understood, appreciated and united with those around me.

Bitter Sweet Dreams

I dreamt of you last night. No matter how many years pass or how many relationships are in between, I'm brought right back to you. I have no control over my slumbering reveries. If I could choose not to I would. So now I start my day with an ancient broken heart. What would Freud say. Would he say I haven't competely let go? I can go months without you entering my mind. I've had all the closure one could ask for. I don't think I love you anymore and yet here I am reminissing about our years together. Maybe it's because you were my first, or maybe because it ended the way it did. I wonder if I ever enter your dreams the way you invade mine. So today I fight to let go of this potent affection. I guess I just miss you. My best friend, my childhood sweetheart. Till we meet again in the night, sweet dreams..