My pet peeves

Although I tend to write about them occasionally I thought I'd make a little list and vent a bit, I mean that's what this outlet is for, no?? First off Lazy people who think life owes them something. I really can't stand that. There is balance in life weather you like it or not so If you give nothing you will recieve nothing, it's pretty simple people.

Second, people with no sense of grammar. I know there is slang everywhere and different dialects all over the country but if you are going to try to use a more advanced vocabulary at least learn what each word means before injecting them into your conversations.

Third, Illogical people. I have a few in mind with this one. They go against what is the logical answer to their puzzle and do the exact opposite. Then they are dumbfounded when things don't turn out the way they expected. It drives me nuts.

Fourth, and this one is probably the biggest one. Judgemental people. Now it may seem that I have been doing just that in my first three peeves but actually it is the character flaw I judge not the person themselves. I listen to people all day and hear them referr to eachother in derogatory terms. I can go into a lot of detail with this one but I will just keep it brief and say that just because someone is different than you, or has vices, it doesn't mean they are less human. I know a few girls who are judged by their lifestyle choices and although it may not be what I would choose for my life it is not a reason to blackball them or treat them badly. I really feel strongly about that.

I'm sure I have a ton more like, parents who don't listen to their kids and the very superficial, but I'll leave that for another day. Domestic duties call and time is limited so till tomorrow try to use your time wisely, learn all you can, use logic always and try not to judge too harshly...

Positive and Negative Forces

Since making the choice to remove as much negativity as possible from my life i have found a peace I never knew possible. I haven't been successful in purging all of it but a large portion is forever gone. For the longest time I was living with dark and frustrating forces because I didn't know I could function without them. I have elected to be proactive in cultivating a positive and prosperous future. Life is a work in progress and as long as we never settle for what we believe to be all we deserve we can master it. I still have mountains to climb but I now feel I have the proper gear to do so.

personal quote

"The end of the line approaches quickest when traveling the road of least resistance"
Therese Jenkins
March 2008

Hello Ms. Sunshine

Running on a two hour nap and looking at a very full day. I had the sweetest dreams and they will keep me propelled through what lies ahead. I think I felt me wake up inside. No fake smilles today, I'm authentic and fierce. Rawr baby!!!!!!!!

Giving

I've stopped wondering why the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, it's simply because the rich hold on to their pennies while the rest of us spend, give and lend till we have nothing left. I am always ready to help the less fortunate, maybe I don't give to every charity I come accross but I do my fare share of helping others. I became aware of a young girl who was kicked out of her home by her parents because she came out as a lesbian. She is only seventeen and had to leave school in search of work to support herself. One evening I was summond to her appartment to pick up my own teenage daughter and when I entered there was at least twenty other kids milling about. The place was a mess with not a crumb of food to be found. It seems that as soon as this poor girl was out on her own the local teens adopted her home as their own. I went home that night feeling very pained to think of that child going to bed hungry and waking up to no breakfast. The first chance I got I went to market and filled the cart with all that I could afford to give. When I arrived with the gift the children were both excited and greatful. I've been told many a time that it's better to teach one to fish than to give one a fish but there are circumstances where charitable deeds are both nessasary and vital.

There have been so many times in my life when I would have given the shirt off my back to help one that is in need but have not been in the position to do so. So here I referr to my previous entry, as much as I would love to think that because of my own good deeds that maybe it's my turn to be on the recieving end. Well I wouldn't have much integrity if I felt entitled to something in return. So I must do what I do for the sole purpose of helping my fellow woman kind and for no other reason than that, otherwise it's just a passive greed. So to wrap up my most recent rant I will leave you with this, Be kind to others because you ARE kind, NOT because you wish for kindness in return.

Being blessed

One of the most unattractive attributes you can have is a poor me, self serving way. The martyre on the cross. If we all took the time to review our thoughts and feelings before rationalizing them, we would probably see how much we display these traits. It's a trap that some of us fall into quite regularly. You find yourself thinking 'what did I do to deserve that?'. Maybe nothing, but you can't rely on the cosmos to work it all out so that you get what you think you deserve. If you do you'll be waiting forever. Have you ever taken a drive and noticed all those seventeen year olds driving cars you could never afford?? Have you thought to yourself 'I'll bet daddy bought that for him on his 16th birthday' and bitterly scowled as you passed that poor boy?? Well the truth is he probably DID get it for nothing but he will never know the joy and feeling of accomplishment you get when you work for what you have. We all know someone so beautiful and charismatic that opportunity seems to constantly land in their lap, if we feel envious I suppose it is natural but you really can't fault them because they have been blessed, all we can do is try harder to use what we have been given to get to where we want to be. If you are reading this and thinking 'wow she must be very well rounded' you are half right, I feel all the same sour emotions as anyone else, I just think them through and put them where they belong. I would be a liar if I said I wouldn't be in heaven if some angel came to me with all the answers to my problems but I no longer dream it, wish for it or wait for it. I tredge through each day and somehow find the stamina to do it again tomorrow. I hope reading this enlightens just one person, then I will truly feel blessed.

Darker dayz

It's happening, the day has come when my daughter recieves birthday wishes and cheques in the mail from her relatives. I am estranged from all that is familiar. I share history with no one. All those who have owned portions of my heart are scattered and lost. My life is rich and full in my own personal world, the one only I live in. Out here with the rest I am cold, miserably misunderstood and fighting to stay awake. I wonder if only the melancholy contemplate life so thouroughly. I wonder if anyone hears our sad tunes in the night. i wonder if those distant souls that I can still feel, feel me too? Routine calls me back and I must paint on my smiles and turn the artificial light on in my eyes. I know I am good at that if nothing else.

Perspectives

We can share years of experiences together, we can be at the same place at the same time, we can breath the same air and taste the same food, yet when each of us look back we may recall all of our common history quite uniquely. My perception may be rosey while yours may be dark.
Our impressions may vary wildly.
You know you've found a soulmate when your observations and opinions are shared through a common story, when you both have come from the same place and share one common memory. The truth.

MGF looking for muse

Ok so my writing is self indulgant and sweet but this is just a blog, not a best selling novel so deal with it. I have been in the process of writing my first book for a while now. I seem to become inspired, flow for a while and then realize I want to write about something else. I have numerous first pages and no last ones. So I suppose I need a muse. Any takers???

Motherhood

Being a young single mother of one I raised my daughter with all the tools I had. She was an only child and never had any other parental figure but me. Growing up I always wondered why parents felt the need to lie and sugar coat things. I found out a lot about my family when I was in my twenties and realized I never really knew the people who were the closest to me. So I made the decision that I would raise my child without the bullshit that the typical parent feeds their kid. I was sure that all the rebellion and teenage angst was due to the crap that parents put on us. Here we are 16 years into parent hood and my daughter although open minded and honest is still a rebel. I think I had a good idea but I'm sure had I tried again I could have done it better. I understand the pressure to fit in and the temptations that are out there but I wish there was a way to teach our children to learn from us, our mistakes don't have to be repeated if they trust us. I have hope that within the next two years my daughter will have gotten all the self destructive behaviour out of her system and settle into a healthy prosperous lifestyle. I don't want her to be anything but happy and healthy. I hope the hippy in me bleeds into her. I've been far from perfect and have gone through a lot of troubles myself but through it all she was always number one and continues to be. Happy birthday baby, I love you......

Sexuality and love

I've been considering my own sexual evalution, the importance I've put on it during my life and the possability of being deprived of any new experiences. I went to a catholic school, wore the cute little school girl uniform and my friends were very experimental and experienced for their age. I was one of the last in my crowd to loose my virginity and that's not saying much considering I was very young when I lost mine. I had a very strong sex drive at an early age and found it difficult to be single because at that point in my life I had no idea that girls masterbated, infact I was 25 years old before I discovered I was able to take care of this itch all on my own. My early lovers were men ( or boys I suppose) Who were out for their own gratification. I was on to my fourth or fifth lover before I experienced my first orgasm. I can't attribute that to my lovers skills as he was no more interested in my pleasure as any other I had been with at that time. My first love was with a guy, he was my best friend and also the only male I have ever loved. We were as active sexually as any young teenage couple that has discovered they may have relations on a regular basis. I found strength in my sexual nature and used it to my advantage.

I was no different than any other girl my age except that I was far more sensative than most. I never understood (and still don't) how men can just be sooooo infatuated with you until you sleep with them and then you become the dreaded "booty call". It is an enormous lack of respect, for you as an indevidual and for women in general. I wonder if gay men behave that way with each other or if it strictly a strait man's bag.

Well with the end of my longterm relationship with my first love (due to an act of extreme betrayal on his part) I decided to widen my horizons and start to seriously date women. I had experimented as we all do in my earlier years and had had many a crush a some cute girl I was foolin around with but nothing too serious until then. I finally fell head over heels in love with a younger woman when I moved back home to Toronto from B.C.. I was 27 and as far as I knew at the time she was 24. She was amazing, beautiful, smart, funny and she made my heart flutter everytime I heard her voice. We fell hard and fast and before I knew it I was thinking of her as "THE ONE". But back to the good stuff, the sex I mean. She was agressive in a seductive way, she made me feel like I was on the recieving end of all the same lures I had used in my life. I was at her mercy. I had never in my life felt such an attraction or all consuming desire. When we were apart all I had to do was think of her and I was good to go. She would call me at work and after the first hello have the most steamy orgasm right there on the phone when I was least expecting it. I would be completely floored and barely able to finish my work day. She was unashamed when we were out and would whisper erotic flirtations in my ear while giving me that come hither look. I was in my own kind of heaven with her. Then the day came when it was over, I never really understood it at the time but she was far younger than she led on (19) and was not ready for a serious relationship. I thought I would die.

Alas i survived, she taught me so much. I was now aware that I was gay and not bi as I had earlier thought. During our six month tryst I had discovered a whole new me although I found it slightly difficult to deal with, both the loss of her and the realization that I was not who I thought I was. During the years since her I have fallin in love two more times. Both relation ships have taught me much and I will forever love them in different ways.

I once again must say that I am fortunate in that I have had such rich experiences, but here I am in my prime and I play solo. Yes it's true that dreaded lesbian deathbed has found it's way into my life and sucked the power right out of me. I know that provocative vixen is still within me buried deep beneath my bills and monotonous routines. Perhaps I will be inspired again or perhaps I've had all I am to have. I know that love doesn't depend on sex but can one with such a foxy disposition bloom in this station?? Time will tell.....

Reflections

One of my favorite movie scenes appears in the award winning film "The Hours". Clarissa is in an emotional state because her soul mate and bff Richard is in the final stages of Aids related illnesses that are surely about to end his tragic yet romanticly artistic life. Clarrisa opens up to her daughter about her lost innocence. She says " I remember waking up that morning and thinking 'this is it, this IS happiness, and of course there will be more' but what I didn't realize is that it WAS happiness, it was THE moment". The first time I saw that scene I was blown away by her statement, it was so incredibly true. I recall a moment in highschool when I was thinking 'this is what I've been waiting for, finally', If only we could appreciate these times as they were happening and not only when we are in deep reflection. I can say that I do try to absorb it all now that I have a smidge more wisdom. I take more time to enjoy a moment and I try to not dwell on the darker side. Could be another sign of maturity, *sigh, I still have mixed emotions on that topic........

An Introspective Look At Love #1

I must count myself very lucky. In my three decades I have experienced more love of varying varieties and degrees than most in a century. I believe that there is no ideal love, it is what it is. When we first become aware of love in it's romantic form we are so consumed by the intensity of it that we tend to turn off all other senses and allow ourselves to drown in this new and crushing sensation. It's true that you will never experience the same feeling again yet when you do find a more mature love it will be in closer balance with your conciousness. Every ballad won't stop you in your tracks and take you to a physical memory of a touch, or a look. At least not with this new lover. That kind of magic is wasted on the young and inexperienced. It is our innocence that allows us to plunge so deeply and fool heartedly into that early stage of awakening desire. Nothing will ever compare to the joy and the pain of that initial taste of rapture.

Our Public Diaries

I wonder how we went from a lock and key diary to a world wide accessable, public blog. Do we feel so anonymous in this new lap top socialization that we are comfortable enough to share our most private thoughts? Maybe it's because we know there are so many of us out there that no one really reads our stuff anyways. Regardless I revel in my freedom. I had enough vodka and wine soaked years where I neglected to document my experiences. So here I am world, watch out I may have something to say after all.

When is one "grown up"

When I was a child I believed that being a grown up was something that "happened" to you one day. I've been patiently waiting for that day ever since. I keep getting older, my debts get larger, my child becomes an adult and yet I feel no different. I still want everything, still make mistakes and still look to the day when I will finally know all the answers. I suppose knowing that we will never have it all or know it all is when we actually start to grow. Whether it's a starting place or an ending I suppose is up to each of us. I seem to have moments of pure clarity these days. Times when it all makes so much sense. It doesn't always last long but it's a promising sign. Perhaps I will grow into the number of which is attached to my life span. Maybe the next time someone asks how old I am I won't want to add "but I feel like I'm 22".